With the latest news of Carrie Tolstedt, the Wells Fargo Exec who “Sandbagged” her way into a $125 million payday by opening 2 million unauthorized accounts, I thought it would be a good time to talk about saving money. Although it seems the easiest way to do that is to steal from people, it’s not. Stealing gives you anxiety and anxiety can put an unbelievable amount of stress on your stomach and organs leading to diarrhea.
So when asked why don’t I just steal when I need more money, I just say it’s because I don’t want diarrhea. Also you shouldn’t be hanging out with people who say you should steal. Because those people most likely have anxiety, which leads to diarrhea.
Anyway, here are five easy ways to save more money.
5. Cut out the Starbucks. People love complaining about how expensive Starbucks is. The only reason they know that is because they go there a lot. A venti (large, for people who don’t walk on water) coffee costs almost $3. Specialty drinks cost upwards of $6. If you get one of these every weekday, you will spend between $15-$30 per week on coffee. That equals to between $150-$47,500 a year (roughly, depending on how many pastries you get). If you just make coffee at home, you will spend between $50-$100 a year.
4. Make your own gifts. Who even wants a DVD anyway? If you put in a little thought and effort, you can save hundreds of dollars a year on gifts for christmas and birthdays. Yes, you will need to put in some time, but when you save that much money it’s definitely worth it. You can do something as simple as baking cookies for everyone. Who doesn’t like homemade cookies? Perverts, that’s who. So if someone sarcastically thanks you for the cookies, just call them a pervert.
3. Play a board game instead of going out. There are a lot of bars around, which means it’s a money making business. They sell you one beer that costs as much as a six pack, you drink it down quickly and order more. It’s pretty stupid when you think about it. Why pay four times as much to sit in a bar and yell over the loud music when you could be sitting on a nice couch saving money. Or if you want to save more money, you could sell that couch and sit on a pillow. If you’re friend wants to go out then you shouldn’t be hanging around someone that doesn’t want to play board games anyway.
2. Wait till the kids are older for Disneyland. Kids are stupid. It’s not their fault, they are young, they haven’t developed the skills to comprehend things yet. Why take them to Disneyland when you could just photoshop pictures to make it look like you went to Disneyland. You mostly remember your childhood through pictures anyway. Just think, you can convince them they went to the Great Wall, the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty and the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota (some of us may be more excited about that last one than others, thanks a lot Weird Al). You can save thousands by lying to your children!!!
1. Clean out your subscriptions. Or at least know what they are. Businesses are smart, they know charging an auto recurring monthly fee means some people will forget they are paying for a live feed to Sean Connery’s bathroom (or maybe they won’t). Either way, however much you think you’re getting out of watching that feed, it’s a waste of money. And one day you will forget about it but keep paying until your wife looks at the credit card statement and asks what the hell is “Sean-o-vision”.