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5 Things You Should Never Do On The Honeymoon

Durdle_Door_Dorset_Sunset

Honeymoons are amazing. And before you even start, no, filing a joint tax return is not the best part of getting married, it’s definitely the honeymoon. It’s a week or more of sitting on a beach together as a married couple for the first time. There’s no agenda, no responsibilities and no one to tell you what to do (that comes later).

It’s a time to sit back and enjoy each other’s company. The ceremony is over, all the planning is done, after making all the big decisions for the wedding now the biggest one you have to make is if you want another Pina Colada or switch to Margaritas. I say you have one more Pina Colada. Hell, it’s your honeymoon, go crazy.

Don’t go too crazy though, this is a time to enjoy each other, it should not be a time to drop a bomb on your new life partner. There are some things you should to on a honeymoon, such as relax and get massages. There are most definitely things you should never do on the honeymoon, such as these five things:

  • Don’t bring up your children for the first time.
Yes, these are all my children. No, I don't remember all their names.

Yes, these are all my children. No, I don’t remember all their names.

Don’t get me wrong, children are great, they just shouldn’t be a topic of conversation on the honeymoon. Especially when it’s the first time they are mentioned.

  • Don’t book a round of golf for yourself each day.
Also, don't wear these clothes.

Also, don’t wear these clothes.

Golf can be fun, I get it. But the point of the honeymoon is to be together as a married couple for the first time. It’s not to get away by yourself on the links (golfer slang for golf course). If you feel you already need some space on the third day of married life then you’re in trouble.

  • Don’t bring out the handcuffs and whips unannounced.
I just hit you with this thing a couple of time. I promise, you'll love it!!

I just hit you with this thing a couple of times. I promise, you’ll love it!!

This is a tough situation. If you waited til marriage to make love for the first time (or even if you didn’t), you might want to wait a little longer to reveal you’re into bondage. Don’t assume it’s a fun activity for everyone. Some people (most people) don’t like to be restrained. Wait a year and start dropping casual hints until your partner brings it up, then you can act like it was their idea. Of course, if you met in a bondage chatroom then bring an extra pair of handcuffs, but that goes without saying.

  • Don’t tell the boat captain that your wife is in the bathroom if she’s actually still in the water.
"Oh right sir, still in the water, I got you." Wink wink.

“Oh right sir, still in the water, I got you.” Wink wink.

Leaving your wife to drown is never a good idea no matter how long you’ve been together. Just because you tell the police you THOUGHT she was in the bathroom is not going to get you off the hook.

  • Don’t surprise your partner with the news you invited your family.
I swear, they are tons of fun. Just look at this photo of them.

I swear, they are tons of fun. Just look at this photo of them.

In fact, there really shouldn’t be any surprises on the honeymoon. This is not a time to find things out about each other. The more you find out, the greater the chances of a fight. And the honeymoon is most definitely not a time to fight.

 

All Photos by Wikicommons!!

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5 Worst Car Names Ever

Photo by WikiCommons

In case you haven’t noticed, cars are everywhere. On our streets, in our garages, selling drugs to kids on the school playgrounds, everywhere. There are many car that are obvious why they were made, they are sleek and beautiful (such as the DeLorean). Some though are piles of shit (such as the Reliant Robin, see photo at bottom). You notice them while driving. They may be riding on four spare tires, spouting black smoke like a power plant or covered in decals to the point where even the driver can’t see out the windshield.

Or, they may be sporting a bad name. There are hundreds of poorly named vehicles out there. I went through all of them, wrote them down longhand, rearranged them, placed them in order of horribleness, wrote them longhand again for some reason and then narrowed the list down to the five worst.

So here we are, after literally minutes of searching the internet for car names, the five worst car names ever:

(All Photos by WikiCommons)

  1. Toyota Yaris
"Step into my Yaris." Is a line that will surely get you arrested. Photo by WikiCommons

“Step into my Yaris.” Is a line that will surely get you arrested.

Yaris? What does that even mean. I think Toyota needs stupid names to make the good ones in their lineup better. I think Tacoma, Tundra and Civic are pretty good but it might be because they are sitting next to the Yaris. Ugh.

  1. Mazda Bongo
It's like a classic VW Bus that everyone loves, except without any of the charm or appeal. Photo by WikiCommons

It’s like a classic VW Bus that everyone loves, except without any of the charm or appeal.

I’m pretty sure the sales pitch on this name was “If you put two of them side by side, you could play music on them.” With the response being, “You could also scare off any attractive females within a two mile radius”, which is probably how far the car with go before it breaks down.

  1. Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard
"Would you like to see my Wizard?" is not something you should be saying in bars. Photo by WikiCommons

“Would you like to see my Wizard?” is not something you should be asking in bars.

This was either top five worst names ever or #6 on the best names ever, because I’m still on the fence whether it’s geniuses or just stupid. No car should have a name that’s longer than two words, that’s a philosophy that I live by, and you should to. The world would be a better place.

  1. Yugo
How was "Where to we put someone if we have to arrest them?" not the first question asked when this baby was unveiled. Photo by WikiCommons

How was “Where do we put someone if we have to arrest them?” not the first question asked when this baby was unveiled.

This must have been the car makers grandmother’s name who was a saint, I don’t see any other reason to name a car after it, so sorry if this offends anyone but it’s going on the list. But Yugo? Come on.

  1. Ford Probe
"1st generation baby." Is not something you should be bragging about.

“1st generation baby.” Is not something you should be bragging about.

It had to be. You don’t name a car after something that historically goes into your butt. You just don’t.

 

As promised….. I give you the Reliant Robin:

What a stupid name. Hey! Maybe this should go on the list!!

What a stupid name. Hey! Maybe this should go on the list!!

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5 People Who Can Buy Anything….. And Did

Group_of_Exotic_Cars_(8556986359)

We all like to think one day we’ll be rich. But how rich do you need to be to buy an island? Or a yacht? And even if you had the money, would you really use a yacht all that much? Sure it would be fun to have but isn’t a waste of money? How much would the upkeep be? How many more questions do you think I can fit into this intro?

It’s fun to fantasize about winning the lottery. We usually start spending the money in our head as soon as we buy the Quick Pick ticket. We know the chances of winning are slim but the possibilities once we have the money are endless. Just think what you could do with a couple hundred million. Well, you won’t be able to buy anything on this list with that much.

There are a lot of insane celebrity purchases out there, here are some of the biggest, crazies billionaire buys: 

"Stop taking pictures of me."

“Stop taking pictures of me.”   Photo by Wikicommons

5. Larry Ellison – Founder of Oracle, a company that does stuff. Worth about $50 billion dollars, he can pretty much buy whatever he wants. So why not buy a Hawaiian island? Something he did in 2012 for around $300 million. While most of us daydream about vacations in Hawaii, this guy can walk around his 140 square miles of island naked. No, I’m not saying I daydream about his walking around naked on his island but I’m sure it’s something he does. I sure know I would.

 

"No, I said I wanted his journal, not a copy of the Da Vinci Code!!"

“No, I said I wanted his journal, not a copy of the Da Vinci Code!!”    Photo by Wikicommons

4. Bill Gates – Come on, you know him, he’s the guy who……. Anyway, whatever he did, he’s the richest man in the world, which seems like it would be a lot of pressure. You know the second richest would do anything to take you off the list. Although there are lots of islands on this planet, there is only one Leonardo Da Vinci Journal (I assume he didn’t write much). Back in 1994, Gates paid $30 million to get this journal. It is the cheapest purchase on this list but hey, it’s Da Vinci’s journal written by his own hand. And we all know Da Vinci is the guy who…..

 

"Yeah, I guess it's big...."

“Yeah, I guess it’s big….”     Photo by Wikicommons

3. Roman Abramovich – Some Russian guy who apparently likes the Simpsons (his private investment company is Millhouse, LLC, haha). The poorly named company didn’t stop him from buying the largest yacht in the world. The Eclipse (I still haven’t found a better name than my 9.8 foot inflatable dingy, ‘Jesus’s Favorite Nut’) is a 533 foot floating bad investment. I don’t see why good investors make horrible decisions. According to this business insider article, maintaining a yacht costs roughly 10% of its purchase price per year. Since Roman (we are on first name basis) spent roughly $500 million on this thing, he can expect to spend another $50 million a year for crew and upkeep.

 

"It's really nice, but I noticed there was only 27 bedrooms. I was really looking for 30."

“It’s really nice, but I noticed there was only 27 bedrooms. I was really looking for 30.”   Photo by Wikicommons

2. Mukesh Ambani – Wealthiest man in India. That’s saying a lot too because there are like 1.2 billion people in India. Anyway, he took his hard earned money and built a billion dollar house. I know people say they feel like a billion dollar but look half dead, but this house actually cost a billion dollar, it’s not just a saying. It’s a 400,000 square foot, 27 story skyscraper with a 168 car garage. Suck on that Larry Ellison.

 

Couldn't find a legal picture of Jefri so you'll have to just go look him up. But this is Hotel Bel-Air!!

Couldn’t find a legal picture of Jefri so you’ll have to just go look him up. But this is Hotel Bel-Air!!    Photo by Wikicommons

1. Jefri (haha, what a stupid name) BolkiahSultan of Brunei’s brother, a real life cartoon character. This one is interesting because he’s the only one on the list that didn’t actually make the money he spent (unless you count embezzling $14.8 billion from your country making money). He was in charge of the Brunei Investment Company which is in charge of investing most of the country’s wealth. I don’t see how $14.8 billion can go unnoticed, but what do I know, I’m only not an idiot. It’s hard to pin down the most outrageous purchase by Jefri (haha); It may be Hotel Bel-Air, The New York Palace Hotel, a massive art collection, a 2,300 car collection, 8 private planes and helicopters, jewel-encrusted watches with pictures of people having sex, a yacht named Tits (okay, this may be better than my dinghy name), a $17 million private Michael Jackson concert at a stadium built for the event, or the harem.

A harem is “the separate part of a Muslim household reserved for wives, concubines, and female servants.”

That’s right, Jefri (haha) had a harem where he kept 40 women. I don’t think I need to tell you why, you can figure that would, or look it up, or read this women’s experience as one of the 40 women

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5 Easy Ways to Save More Money

If your financial advisor dressing like this, leave him.

With the latest news of Carrie Tolstedt, the Wells Fargo Exec who “Sandbagged” her way into a $125 million payday by opening 2 million unauthorized accounts, I thought it would be a good time to talk about saving money. Although it seems the easiest way to do that is to steal from people, it’s not. Stealing gives you anxiety and anxiety can put an unbelievable amount of stress on your stomach and organs leading to diarrhea. 

So when asked why don’t I just steal when I need more money, I just say it’s because I don’t want diarrhea. Also you shouldn’t be hanging out with people who say you should steal. Because those people most likely have anxiety, which leads to diarrhea.

Anyway, here are five easy ways to save more money.

5. Cut out the Starbucks. People love complaining about how expensive Starbucks is. The only reason they know that is because they go there a lot. A venti (large, for people who don’t walk on water) coffee costs almost $3. Specialty drinks cost upwards of $6. If you get one of these every weekday, you will spend between $15-$30 per week on coffee. That equals to between $150-$47,500 a year (roughly, depending on how many pastries you get). If you just make coffee at home, you will spend between $50-$100 a year.

4. Make your own gifts. Who even wants a DVD anyway? If you put in a little thought and effort, you can save hundreds of dollars a year on gifts for christmas and birthdays. Yes, you will need to put in some time, but when you save that much money it’s definitely worth it. You can do something as simple as baking cookies for everyone. Who doesn’t like homemade cookies? Perverts, that’s who. So if someone sarcastically thanks you for the cookies, just call them a pervert.

3. Play a board game instead of going out. There are a lot of bars around, which means it’s a money making business. They sell you one beer that costs as much as a six pack, you drink it down quickly and order more. It’s pretty stupid when you think about it. Why pay four times as much to sit in a bar and yell over the loud music when you could be sitting on a nice couch saving money. Or if you want to save more money, you could sell that couch and sit on a pillow. If you’re friend wants to go out then you shouldn’t be hanging around someone that doesn’t want to play board games anyway.

2. Wait till the kids are older for Disneyland. Kids are stupid. It’s not their fault, they are young, they haven’t developed the skills to comprehend things yet. Why take them to Disneyland when you could just photoshop pictures to make it look like you went to Disneyland. You mostly remember your childhood through pictures anyway. Just think, you can convince them they went to the Great Wall, the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty and the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota (some of us may be more excited about that last one than others, thanks a lot Weird Al). You can save thousands by lying to your children!!!

1. Clean out your subscriptions. Or at least know what they are. Businesses are smart, they know charging an auto recurring monthly fee means some people will forget they are paying for a live feed to Sean Connery’s bathroom (or maybe they won’t). Either way, however much you think you’re getting out of watching that feed, it’s a waste of money. And one day you will forget about it but keep paying until your wife looks at the credit card statement and asks what the hell is “Sean-o-vision”.

Photo by Richard Pipo at Flickr

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5 Reasons It Would Suck To Be A Dog

Kona 1
She looks cute now, but she was just pooping on the carpet.

She looks cute now, but she was just pooping on the carpet.

Every Time you ask someone the question “When you die, what would you like to come back as?”, the answer always seems to be dog. Except for me, I would like to come back as a Fly on The Wall. Which wall? Any of them. Doesn’t matter.

Although I do envy my dog every time I leave for work and look at her lying on her bed sleeping in, there are many reasons why it would suck to be a dog. Here are just a few of them:

5. Same food every meal. Dogs seem to be hungry 100% of the time and the fact they eat the same thing over and over doesn’t faze them but could you imagine eating a salad for breakfast and dinner every day?

4. Cleaning yourself. Taking a shower is pretty nice. You got the hot water, the soap and a nice clean towel to dry yourself off. Dogs, well, they have their tongue. And that one tongue is responsible for cleaning everything. The paws, the stomach, the ass, everything. Look closely at a dog’s eyes next time they clean their butt, they die a little every time.

3. The uncomfortable humping. No one likes a humper, especially in the middle of the room when the kids are opening their christmas presents, or in the backyard during the rehearsal dinner. To make things worse, it’s always our female dog trying to hump my parents male dog. It’s just not going work.

2. Bathroom breaks. You are always on someone else’s time. Imagine going to work and only being able to go pee when your boss tells you to. Some of you may feel like this happens already but it would only get worse as a dog. I for one do not feel satisfied when I know someone is waiting for the bathroom or we need to go. I would never get a good bowel movement in if I were a dog.

1. The loneliness. The utter loneliness when your owner is away. The constant need to sit and stare at the door, waiting, hoping, jumping at the sound of any noise thinking they are back. We set up a GoPro in our house once so we could see what the dog did when we were away. The dog wouldn’t stop staring at the door. We thought it would be funny, it was sad. She was just waiting for us, didn’t even want to chew the bone.

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5 Ways To Keep It Safe And Prevent An Injury

Safety is a big concern. Whether it’s in the office, working somewhere other than an office, while driving or at home, you always have to be aware of your surrounds to keep you and your family safe. Although sitting in an office seems easy, it comes with a surprising amount of danger. With literally hundreds of thousands of office injuries each year (don’t look into the numbers too much) there are far too many people not paying attention or even trying.

Here are five ways to keep safe in general (but mostly in an office):

  • Close those drawers and watch those cords

The biggest hazard in the office is cords, or anything near the ground. The National Safety Counsel (yes, it’s real) says that you are 2.5 times more likely to trip in an office than anywhere else. Which is a sad statistic since in an office you sit close to seven hours a day. This causes people to be lazy and drag their feet making one of the most annoying sounds possible. Open drawers are a major issue too. You can hit your shin or knee on an open drawer and it will be very painful for a couple seconds.

  • Sit up straight and use your legs

Although back pain is not as sexy as carpal tunnel, it is a major concern. People everywhere can get back pain from their job, whether it’s lifting heavy objects, bending over a lot or testing hula hoops. It’s something everyone has to think about and try to prevent. You have to sit up straight when typing and generally look uncomfortable. Remember, just because you feel stupid most likely means you look stupid too, but at least your back won’t hurt.

  • Sweet Jesus, Don’t stand on that chair with wheels

No matter how much you want to see that co-worker stand on a swiveling, reclining chair to change a lightbulb and eat shit, don’t let them. There are lots of objects in an office and simple fall from two feet could result in them twisting their angel, breaking their ankle, or some other form of injury to their ankle. If there is something that needs to be fixed, please call maintenance, or at least hold the chair.

  • Provide (or ask for) proper training

Machines are cool, no doubt about it, but losing a hand is not. If you aren’t trained to use something that can kill you, you should probably raise your hand and ask for direction. It will be a lot less embarrassing now then after you blow up the factory. Plus you won’t be able to use them as a reference for your next job if you accidentally ran over your manager with a bulldozer.

  • Report all injuries

Many people love to complain. There’s no better person to complain to than the HR manager. Let them know of every single injury or partial injury you are involved in. This way when they fire you, you can sue them for making you work in a horribly dangerous environment and will have tons of documentation to back up your claim. Remember, it’s better to sue and get millions than to work in an office the rest of your life.

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5 Creepy Things You Can Buy Online

baby-head-masks-10830

The internet is an amazing place. You can watch movies, talk with people on the other side of the world, look at millions of pictures of cats wearing t-shirts and you can buy pretty much anything, like earrings made out of dog poop (check out my etsy).

Most of the internet is a waste of time, but I have found a few things I think are worth taking a look at. Even if you aren’t going to buy these “products”, it’s pretty amazing to know you can.

Here are 5 of the weirdest things you can buy online:

5. 850 foot cruise ship

There are only a few ways to become a real life villain and I think a floating palace with a horrible buffet is the best option. You can entertain your guests in the ballroom or take all their money in your own casino. Or if you don’t actually like any of them you can escape from them in one of the 800 open rooms

4. Wolf urine

After looking at this, I don’t see how I can live without wolf urine. Ordered! One thing I don’t understand is how they get the wolf urine.

3. Maternity Postal uniforms

I think it’s great they make maternity clothing for postal workers, I don’t see why anyone can buy them though. I guess it could make a fun halloween costume….. Wait, no it can’t. Nevermind, I don’t know why they sell these to the public.

2. Owl Vomit

I can see why you might need wolf urine (to attract and seduce other weird people) but there is just no resean for owl vomit…. Unless you listen to this guy’ review: “I did owl pellets as a kid and have the BEST memories from it. So I was super excited to share the experience with my kids. And these were awesome! My kids loved every minute of it. They didn’t stink at all and seemed completely sanitary. My 2 year old even got to have his hand at it. Highly recommend them!”

Who the hell are these people?

1.Baby head masks

The only thing that would make this worse is if you wore it with the maternity postal uniform. There’s nothing scarier than a pregnant baby delivering your mail.

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5 Things That Would Improve Social Media

Sean MacEntee at Flickr

Since it looks like social media is here to stay, I think some rules need to be set up so things don’t get too out of control. There are billions of people on social media with millions more joining each day (made up numbers). A lot of these accounts are created by people trying to steal your information or worse, men.

That’s why I have some up with five ways to improve social media to make it a safer, less angry place to hang out and show off how much better your life is than your friends.

5. Pay to block someone from using social media.

You all have friends that annoy everyone on social media. They post too many selfies, they send links that are a waste of time or they leave comments that clearly miss the point of the conversation. A way to teach them a lesson would be to pay for them to be banned from facebook/twitter/instagram for a certain amount of time. Obviously the more you pay, the longer they are banned. It would have to be a large amount because I would gladly pay to ban most of my friends all the time.

I know what you’re thinking, they could just set up another account under a different name, you know like a pervert, but that brings us to number 4….

4. Verified SSN

Yes, you would have to verify your identity with a valid SSN. I know this will probably cut the users on each major social media outlet in half, but it’s the only way to know that your 18 year old friend Katie is actually 55 year old Ken living in his mother’s basement in Taft, CA.

3. Douche Stamps

We all have at least one friend that’s a douchebag. Just reading this now you are thinking about them. Their face just flashed in your mind the moment you saw the word douche. For a fee, you would be able to put a douche stamp on their profile for a specified amount of time. Of course, you will need a valid reason, such as they have their own name tattooed on their body or after kissing them they mention something about their spouse.

2. Dislike button.

Even youtube has gotten on board with this. The only problem I see is that there would be far more dislikes than likes. To wipe out the dislikes, there could be an option that is you receive too many of them, then the post would be deleted. Also you would be able to easily tell if someone is a douche because they would have no posts, they would have all been deleted.

1.Anything a guy says will automatically post to his mother’s (or closest equivalent) facebook page

It’s the only way to keep people in check and make sure sexist and degrading comments aren’t thrown around as often as they are today. This could be done since everyone would be verified through SSN’s (see #4 above). Now people who act like pigs would be shamed by their family for telling you how good you look in that turtleneck, “oh yeah, you wear that turtleneck girl”.

 

Photo by Sean MacEntee at Flickr

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Five Things To Do In San Francisco To Avoid The Crowd (And Five Things To Avoid)

Bridge

I got to go (had to go) to a training in San Francisco. My company put us up in the Westin St. Francis in Union Square. A very nice hotel with some very annoying quirks, such as paying for internet, who does that anymore? And the mini-bar let you play a fun game where if you pick something up and don’t replace it within 10 seconds, your room is charged for it. 10 seconds isn’t even enough time to read the card that tells you to put it down within 10 seconds. Ugh.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining for staying in a free hotel room, but the training was an SEC update full of exciting topics such as What’s the PCAOB been up to, Revenue Recognition and The New Standards for Accounting for Leases……. Bang!!!!!! Sorry, just had to wake you back up. Anyway, we were able to see some sites around the city and now I have some strong feelings about what to do and not to do in the city. Also we lived there for 3 years.

See below for Five things to do in San Francisco to avoid the crowd:

5. Marin Headlands

Peaceful with some great views.

Peaceful with some great views.

Any amazing picture you see of the Golden Gate Bridge is probably taken from the Marin Headlands. Not only do you get incredible views of the bridge, the bay and the city but you also get to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge. Once you’re over the bridge, skip the first turnout on the right. It’s the one with seven million cars in it and fourteen thousand buses. Instead, take the next exit and turn left under the freeway to start your journey up into the Marin Headlands.

4. Fort Point

Great views of the bay and you get to look up the Golden Gate Bridges undercarriage.

Great views of the bay and you get to look up the Golden Gate Bridges undercarriage.

Situated under the Golden Gate Bridge, this place makes for some amazing views of the bay (and you get to look up the Bridges dress).

3. Land’s End

A nice hike plus you're not worried about getting run over by angry drivers.

A nice hike plus you’re not worried about getting run over by angry drivers.

This one requires a little bit of walking, which is something you’ll be doing anyway in San Francisco. Located at the northwest point of the peninsula, Land’s End gives some breathtaking views of the Bridge and outer bay.

2. Palace of Fine Arts

It's surrounded by a nice neighborhood too which makes for some nice evening walking.

It’s surrounded by a nice neighborhood too which makes for some nice evening walking.

It’s the place all the police showed up and arrested Sean Connery in The Rock. Do you need more info than that?

1. Take a Ferry to Tiburon

Great views riding the ferry across the bay.

Great views riding the ferry across the bay.

You can look at the bay all you want but there’s nothing like actually being on it. The Ferry is about $10 per person per trip. Which means you only spend $20 to get to Tiburon and back (if you leave your spouse there). The route takes you right next to Alcatraz island, into the Angel Island Harbor and finally into Tiburon. And you don’t need reservations! We got there five minutes before the ferry left and were able to get tickets.

Honorable Mention:

  • Coit tower. It can get crowded, but if visited at the right time it’s definitely worth a trip.
  • Golden Gate Park. Perfect for a picnic or checking out the botanical gardens.
  • Twin Peaks. No, not the show. It has a great view of the city.
  • Haight/Ashbury Area. There’s a lot of weirdos but the shops are fun and interesting. Lots to see.
  • Alcatraz Island. This only gets honorable mention because you have to book tickets months in advance. Otherwise it would be #1 above.

Five places to avoid:

5. Union Square. It’s an overcrowded mall that’s filled with aggressive homeless people.

4. The Ferry Building. Very pretty building but usually packed to the brim with people and nothing to do but shop there. If you do go there, eat at Gott’s, great food.

3. AT&T Park. Tickets to the games are overpriced but you can take a tour of the stadium for cheap. If you’re not into baseball, that’s fine because no one there actually is.

2. Lombard Street. It’s a windy street, drive Highway 1 if you want windy. It’s not worth it. If you really feel like you need to see it, head to the east side of Lombard street near Coit Tower. You can see it from there and not be in the crowd of people blocking traffic.

1. Fisherman’s Wharf/Pier 39. It’s like Union Square but on the water. It’s just an overcrowded and overpriced place to shop.